Dude my mom stole all your condoms
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
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