My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
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