She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
