Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
Randomize
