A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
So much Jack, so little girl.
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
Randomize
