Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
Randomize
