I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
Randomize
