I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
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I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
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