seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
Finally buying a camera. Missed out on recording a 3way last night. Hindsight. Ugh.
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
Randomize
