God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
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