You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
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she has over 3,000 tagged photos on facebook. dont tell me she isnt annoying.
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
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And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
That was before I lit my hair on fire
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