Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
