I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
Fuckkkk i made out with a freshman.....but he's old for his age. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOURE NOT AROUND.
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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