No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Randomize
