last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
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I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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