she has a tiny mouth but huuuge vocal chords
I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
Randomize
