all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
tequila makes me forget i have legs
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I've come to the conclusion, I should prob have at least 20 hr supervision. I would say 24, but I'm guaranteed to pass out for at least 4 hrs a day
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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