Yeah but his hole really smells sometimes
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
Randomize
