I CAN MOONWALK!
Definitely saw about 20 people at my final that were never present before. It's like seeing who's gonna be serving me fries in 4 years.
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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