Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
whoever decided snowing in 90 percent of campus on a night when the streets are flowing with tequila and skittles was clearly not an R.A.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
Randomize