I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
I met the friendliest cop last night
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
