I wanna passion pit in your ass
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
Randomize
