I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
He called his prostate his "boner button".
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Randomize
