I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
