Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
spell your last name, im trying to find you on facebook
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
Go ahead. I tried to back up ur budhism story but she mite be catching on
Dammit. I hoped that would work. Just tell her I'm doing my pilgrmidge to Nepal or something.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
We need to re-create the Get Some Ass Tour 2002.
Um, 2 out of 3 people involved with that particular event are now married, so I don't think that will be happening.
HELLO, they're MARRIED! They need to get some ass more than anyone.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
Randomize
