Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
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