i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
I need to sleep with 3 more guys by midnight to meet my 2010 resolution..
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
