I Bought a bracelet with bible characters and a charm broke. the virgin mary one. Do you think it's a sign?
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
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