never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
Randomize
