dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
Randomize
