OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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