You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
My boob is missing a layer of skin
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
