I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
I had forgotten what it was like to go to all four classes. It's exhausting.
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
yea i really dont care about the sex, i just want him to eat my vag. He has to be good at because of his tremors.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
Randomize
