it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
I'd give my left nut to see you
don't do that. I like the set
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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