What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
"guaranteed dick" "anywhere - her room, my room, trees, couch"
Sorry that was quotes about you from the grad student.
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
