Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
I don't think he has that. His apartment was pretty much a tv and a bed. Topless girl calendar and a glass of water to put out cigarettes.
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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