You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
If I'm going to keep blacking out this much I need to start taking more pictures.
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
Randomize
