I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
He literally asked permission to hit on me
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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