i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
Randomize
