none of my boyfriends are responding right now, I thought I had enough to avoid this problem
Ross. Joey. Chandler. Who would you do?
I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Randomize
