You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
Omg Kevin Jonas is engaged!!!!!!
Omg really? To who. Gay marriage is only legal in like 3 states.
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
