Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
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