Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
At 2pm we are having a MANDITORY house meeting about last night. ALL must be in attendance!
I'd like to review the planning and execution of the party to determine how we hosted a naked party, to determine how we can have more.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
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