On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
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