she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
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