Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
I'm not the type to go to a guys house...in your case his boat...and sleep with them..I mean I have in the past but I'm trying to be more serious and grown up
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
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