Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
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