By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
why dont you just whore around college until someone loves you...thats how it works for girls isnt it?
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
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