I'm pretty sure that he just gave me the ginger disease
dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
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