i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
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