Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
Yah at one point i was listening to metallica and doing pushups last night. I went thru alot of emotions.
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
Randomize
