I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
I think my fart just growled at me.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
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