from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
Randomize
