I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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